Let me explain what I mean.
I'm a city bus girl, I ride it everywhere I have to go and have for years. That didn't change when I had a baby, the baby came with. Babies are cute and adorable and are a magnet for people to coo over. And inevitably they also want to touch the baby. They often want to either rub his head or pat his cheek and hold his hand. When he was very little it was easy to shield him from these unwanted touches; the car seat cover or draping a blanket over the stroller was an effective way to essentially put up a 'do not disturb' sign. Only once did I have someone try to lift the blanket and a stern look from me stopped that.
Now however, my son is much more engaging and doesn't sleep on the rides anymore. He smiles and babbles and even reaches his hand toward people. Nearly every bus ride at least one person wants to touch my son's head or cheek or hands and each time I'm confronted with a decision to make. Do I let this stranger touch my child? You may think it's an obvious yes or an obvious no. Some say sure, why not, they don't mean any harm, they are just being friendly. Others say uh, hello? Germs! You don't know what they have! Both of those arguments have their pros and cons and both are equally valid in my opinion. It almost seems like you could choose on a case by case basis right? Oh this person looks healthy and not-crazy, sure, let them shake his hand. Oh this person looks like they are covered head to toe with open sores, don't touch my child!!! (I have actually had someone whose arms were covered in open sores reach out to touch my sons head and I looked at him firmly and shook my head and he stopped, but seriously? Why would you think that's ok obviously sick person?!)
The thing is, there's no way really to tell stop a person from touching your kid without it coming off as being very rude and standoffish. Even if you explain yourself, it still feels negative. Think about it, they start to reach a hand out and instantly you put your own hand up to stop them. That feels negative right off the bat. You are basically telling them that you either think they are sick or that your child is too good to be touched by them. True that you can't really know what they are thinking/feeling unless they tell you but from the instant frowns I've gotten I think for the most part people think I'm being rude by preventing them from bestowing their touch on my son.
And I'm realizing that I'm just going to have to be ok with that because here's where it gets real.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Children’s Bureau report Child Maltreatment 2010 found that 9.2% of victimized children were sexually assaulted.
Studies by David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, show that:
- 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;
- Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;
- During a one-year period in the U.S., 16% of youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
- Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
- Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13. (Source)
THAT is terrifying. I go to the park or the zoo or someplace that has a bunch of kids and that is basically saying that in that group of 20 girl scouts? Five of them are being abused. One in 20 boys certainly is less but still horrible.
According to this report by the National Institute of Justice, 3 out of 4 abused children are abused by someone they know. That means that 1 of those 4 is abused by someone they didn't know, a stranger. Maybe that stranger snatched them, maybe the child was lured by a friendly face and a kindly pat on the back.
Not too long ago I watched a few videos that were set up by the parents to test whether their kids would go to strangers and put themselves into dangerous situations. There are so many that I'm not going to link any, just Youtube it and you can easily find them if you want to watch. So many of the kids went to the strangers! Over and over again these kids were lured, and only a few ever thought twice about it. I'm really not trying to bash the parents but come on, shame on them! It is not their kids fault that they were talked into a dangerous situation by some kindly person. It's the parents fault for not teaching them to know better and that's just the truth.
So if some stranger wants to think I'm rude and standoffish because I won't let them touch my child, that's fine. I'm not going to back down because their feelings are hurt. I am trying to do my best to give my son the knowledge and understanding he needs so that when in times when I can't be right by his side he will know what to do. I am raising him to know, from the earliest age, that it is NOT ok for strangers to touch him. Because one day, that might save him.